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I know this journal's called Apologies & Inspirations, but i've decided to do it the other way around.. .. ..




Inspirations
I've recently decided that there at 6 people who inspire me. By this i mean people, i don't mean famous people. These are people who i interact with in some way.

First there's myself. Obviously i'm going to be my own biggest inspiration, cos i spend the most time with myself & i am directly inspired by what's in my mind, my dreams & my life.

Then there's Kane, for the obvious reasons that i will not go into. His head does NOT wanna get any bigger.

Then there are 2 special ladies from dA. Aya (~yoxxi) & Tanya (`RockstarVanity). Aya for being the most amazing lady i've ever spoke to. And Tanya for being an outstanding photographer & an equally outstanding person.

I could go on blowing their trumpets till i was blue in the face, but i'll not go into detail.

Finally, there are 2 others. However i wish to not name either one. Hopefully if they ever read this they would know who they are, but i doubt it! lol. There's only me who knows really, & sometimes it's nice to keep it like that.




& Apologies
Ok, so i want to apologize now, for the mass upload which i'm about to undertake within the next day or few. I've decided (with the help of some kind words of others) to upload everything i create which i'm pleased with.

Originally i was going to scatter em out, submitting a couple at a time. But in all honesty i just wanna get it over with, i've got loads of stuff i wanna put up & once it's done i'll feel so much better.

Also i did say that i would upload a couple from a shoot & stick the rest elsewhere with a link. But now i've decided that i'm just gunna take full advantage of dA & spread it out into my gallery.

It's times like this though i really wish we could group stuff together in our galleries.

So.. .. .. i'm apologizing for the mass of stuff that's gunna pop up in your devwatches. Sorry, lol.

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Uploading Issues
Right, well although i've got stuff to upload I havn't been uploading them, the reason being that i'm not sure how i wanna do it.

This may seem completely retarded but it makes sense in my mind. I have to decide everything from border size, to the order i submit them, how many i submit & where i put the ones i don't submit.

So i'm just wondering, do i submit everything that i do? Cos i will be doing alot of design lately. So t-shirt designs, websites, banners etc. Or do i just keep it to photography.

Cos I want to submit everything, cos i like to know what people think. But at the same time I like to keep it just photography cos that's what i do for myself rather than for others.

So that i'm still undecided with.

As for everything else.. .. .. well i've decided i'll submit the best from a set & upload the set elsewhere. I've found a nifty little slideshow maker that's good for it.

Anyone got any opinions on what i should & shouldn't upload?




Awesome Plugin Deserves Plug
I just wanted to point out that for anyone using firefox the Deviant Copy & Paste Plugin for Firefox by *ayembee is an absolute gem!

You can directly copy all the deviantart code (for linked names, icons & thumbs) straight to your clipboard. I'm forever finding it useful.






Finally, I Am Wii-ing Healthy
My Grandad's bought a Wii! & it's awesome, & i can't get enough of it. So the other day after doing 7 matches of boxing, each 2-3 rounds i found i was absolutely knackered.

I had muscle soreness for 4 days! 4 fucking days from playing a video game. That's just nuts!

So anyhoop, after going on it regular & occasionally doing this Pump It Up fitness video i found i'm gradually getting a little bit fitter. Not in a 'omg i'm damn sexy me' kinda way, but in a toned muscle & stamina kinda way.

Which isn't much to brag about, but it's ace for me cos I used to die walking upstairs!

Also, i just wanna point out, that it's my grandad's Wii, not mine, & he's 51 lol.

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I wasn't sure if i was going to post this here. Cos i hate to seem like the whiney, looking-for-sympathy type. But since it's something that i can't squeeze out of my mind i decided that i will post it here. I've described it in quite alot of detail, so no worries if you can't be arsed to read it lol.

So.. .. .. Glastonbury didn't get off to such a fantastic start for me. I went there with my best mate (at the time) Josh, which seemed like a fantastic idea.

We were sharing a tent & camped in the Green Police Staff field. I was knackerd after so much traveling & decided to go to bed at about 7pm (this was the Tuesday night, so no festival stuff was happening). Josh came in at like 10pm cos i remember checking my phone to see how late it was.

Then, at about 1am I woke up. He started tapping on the ground sheet of the tent, being just waking up I didn't think owt of it cos, well, you just don't. Then, i felt him pull back my sleeping bag & start sliding his hand down it!

Luckily i had my back to him & he got about a 1/3 the way down my back before i asked him what the fuck he was doing. Then he snatched his hand back & rolled over. He didn't know i was awake.

I checked my phone & it was 1:20am. I laid there thinking about what the fuck had just gone on when i realised just how fucked up it was! So i sat up & put my coat on, he asked what i was doing so i lied & said I was going for a piss. Instead i went & sat with some random people who i was going to be working with.

Then when they went to bed at like 2:30am I didn't want to go back to the tent, so went for a walk around Glastonbury site. I rang Kane & told him what had happened, obviously he was fuming. Then I walked til about 5am. Was pretty cool to see the site being so empty.

Then when i got back to camping site there was obviously no-one awake, so i went in the communal tent & slept til 8:30am when i went for another walk. Then he started ringing & texting me asking where i was so i decided to go back & confront him.

He wasn't there when i got in, so i took the opportunity to catch up o n some sleep. He came in at sometime like 11am, so i shot up & jumped out of the tent.

He was like "what's wrong with you?" so i asked him for my return tickets home (he was keeping hold of them), i didn't tell him why just shouted til he gave me them. Then i told him i wanted him out of my tent, he kept asking why so i told him i felt him putting his hand down my sleeping bag.

To this he said "what, do you mean when i was climbing over you to get to bed?" Now i knew he came in at 10pm. After plenty of shouting, swearing & carrying on i whacked him round the face with his muddy wellies & told him to get the fuck out of my sight.

I felt i now needed to apologize to my 'neighbours' for all the carry on & explain what had gone on. One of the girls told me i should tell Bernadette (our team leader) so i took her advice.

After telling Bernadette he tried coming back up to me saying it must be a misunderstanding & all that, but i made sure he knew that i wasn't letting my guard down.

So.... The team leaders decided they had to log this incident down & 'interviewed' him before me. Then when it came to interviewing me they tried their best to convince me how sincere he was that it must have been a misunderstanding. This fucked me off alot cos i know 100% it wasn't.

After all that i was ready to go home i was that pissed off, but after putting things in perspective i wasn't going to let him ruin it for me. Which i'm glad i didn't cos i had an awesome time. Infact, it was probably better than if i was still had been talking to him lol.

Now, i'm not the kind of girl to make something like this up, nor has anything of the sort ever happened to me before. Yes, i've never been keen on blokes, but i'd never do such a cunty thing without reason.

Plus, i went over & over & over the story so many times & i can't see any possible way he didn't do it.

Well, that's my story, it's quite nice to get it all written down & off my chest. It's been over a month now & i still can't get it off my mind. Not because i feel abused or anything but cos it makes me feel sick if it'd have been another girl. Maybe a girl who wouldn't stick up for herself.

Or what if it happens again to someone else, someone weaker than me. What if he does worse. Surely people who are willing to try grope their best friends when they're sleeping are willing to do other such stuff?

God it makes me so fucking angry. I'd still so much love to go round to his house & rip his fucking balls off & give them to his mum. I still regret not kicking the shit out of him then & there. But i am left feeling very betrayed & slightly lonely.

Plus any trust i had for men has lessened greatly, they always seem to prove themselves to be the same. Even as a young baby i had an irrational fear of men, now it may seem with good reason. Obviously i will exempt Kane & my Grandad from this rule lol.